Relationship Expectations

"I'm not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you're not in this world to live up to mine." - Bruce Lee. I'm a true believer that a healthy marriage takes time and a balance of needs, wants, and expectations. However, if there are unrealistic expectations in a relationship, it can lead to disappointment and resentment, and could even ruin the relationship. Expectations are in every relationship; it's normal to want certain things from a partner. However, without open communication and boundaries, it could hinder growth in any relationship. When I think about unhealthy expectations, it makes me feel like I'm working a job. I don't believe a relationship should feel like a job; it should feel like a partnership. Through the 1900s relationships have evolved and communication is now an important part to building a lasting partnership. Relationships in that era were created with the idea that the husband is the breadwinner and the wife handled the family duties at home. Now relationships are more commonly built with the term 50/50 where both partners contribute equally when running a household, bills included. It is no longer common where women are stuck at home doing "wife duties." The foundation of a strong relationship has to include realistic expectations, engaging communication, healthy boundaries and contribution from both partners.

First of all, expectations between two people in a relationship can range from finances and household chores to how partners communicate with each other. It is okay to have expectations, but they have to be realistic and healthy. Not having realistic expectations in a relationship can lead to conflicts, breakups, frustration, and misunderstanding. Let's say Dennis expects his wife to have dinner ready by 5:00 every night, but the wife is busy with the kids from 4 to 6 PM and usually doesn't have dinner prepared until 7. Is that a realistic expectation in the relationship? Realistic expectations can help advance a relationship. It can also help open communication between partners. Having unhealthy expectations in a relationship is when someone expects something from a partner with no communication involved. Unrealistic expectations can confuse partners and create conflict. When realistic expectations are set, both partners have a better understanding of what each other wants and needs could be. Healthy expectations are ways for partners to express what they expect from a relationship.

Secondly, to establish realistic expectations, partners must communicate with each other. Communicating one's expectations to a partner is the best way to establish a healthy and fulfilling partnership. Without proper communication, how can partners understand what each partner truly needs and wants? For example, let's say someone doesn't like it when the other partner leaves the toilet seat up. It would be easy to communicate that with someone, versus expecting someone to not do it. I think we've all seen people who don't communicate within a household, and actions could include stomping around and slamming doors. I always have felt it was easier to tell someone you're upset about something. Communicating boundaries can be uncomfortable because you might feel like you're hurting someone's feelings. More feelings could be hurt with no communication versus telling someone how they feel. I know some of these things sound small, but any type of communication someone can have in a relationship will help the partners establish healthy boundaries.

Third, no one can expect a partner to read their mind; boundaries have to be communicated. An open-minded frame is needed to establish what boundaries a partner might have. Boundaries can be expressed through communication and knowledge. It's hard to know what someone's boundaries are when they are not communicating. I have long curly hair, and I do not like it when people touch it. If someone is unaware of this, how can I assume they know? It's important for individuals to speak their boundaries so others are aware. It's not fair to expect someone to know others boundaries, and they have not been communicated to anyone. Communicating boundaries will establish healthy expectations.

Last, expectations in relationships are completely different than they were in the early 1900s. The term "wife duties" for women was established over the years around cleaning, family, and household chores. Careers were not a common thing for women until the late 90s and early 2000s. Contribution and equality from both partners have to be considered for balance and appreciation to be established. The essay, written by Judy Brady in the 1970s, talks about all the expectations for a wife but no expectations for the husband. "I want a wife who will not bother me with rambling complaints about a wife's duties" (Brady 311). That type of closed mindset forced an evolution for women to have a voice and ditch the traditional expectation. Does a rumbling complaint sound like a sincere partner who appreciates his spouse? Expectations are needed in a relationship, but maybe these were considered healthy expectations in the 70's. Now traditional relationships are 50/50 where both partners help with finances, family needs and household chores. Regardless of how the expectations are distributed, both partners should feel appreciated, and neither should feel the burden of any responsibility alone. Building expectations on balance and communication makes both partners feel equal and loved in a relationship.

Foundations are steppingstones in any relationship. It takes time, understanding, and effort to build a long-lasting partnership. When starting any partnership, begin with realistic expectations. One can't assume or expect something without communicating it first. Communicating with a partner will help build bonds, establish boundaries, and help create good conversations. Healthy boundaries are a safe way to maintain a positive relationship and build trust. Also making sure roles are established with respect, honesty and communication. No relationship should feel like a duty for a husband or wife. Understanding these points and executing could build a relationship foundation with realistic expectations, engaging communication, healthy boundaries and contribution from both partners.